A Story of Loss

     

    We both look perfectly happy in this photo but nothing could be further from the truth. 

     It was January 27th, 2018, the celebration of my brother's wedding in which I was a bridesmaid. It should have been a day of joy but instead, my husband and I were grieving a very recent loss.

    Just two days before wedding day, I was rushed to have an ultrasound done. I was about nineteen weeks pregnant but my normally active baby had been so still that past week, I knew something wasn't right. Instead of my next ultrasound determining our child's gender, it determined there was no movement; our baby girl had died. 

    The wedding rehearsal was the following day, the wedding would of course take place the day after. My husband and I personally knew most of the guests attending this wedding. It was a day that should be filled with celebration, not mourning. For this reason we chose to keep quiet about our loss for the time being, sharing the news with only our parents and a select amount of family members. Not even the bride and groom knew. It was the hardest, most heartbreaking secret we'd ever kept.

    After getting through the rehearsal, we attended a dinner with a large group of various family members. I distinctly remember walking in... My step brother was holding his baby girl and grinned at my husband across the room calling out, "You ready for this to be you?" The rest of the evening was basically an attempt to avoid as many people as possible, until we finally made an early departure. 

    Come the morning of the wedding, as a bridesmaid I had to smile for photo after photo. Then the ceremony took place with me onstage, still smiling... and I've never felt so fake. It seemed as though I was constantly answering questions from many sweet, excited friends who wanted to know how I was feeling and telling us how happy they were for us. My husband had a similar experience as he was recruited to direct the guests parking, and many who knew him offered enthusiastic congratulations. I felt deceptive for answering how far along I was, leaving out any other explanation. The whole time truly felt like I was wading through a thick fog. I was just trying to survive this day so I could then go home and be alone with my husband to grieve the loss of our pregnancy. 

    Hopefully you don't get the wrong idea. I'm not writing about this to make it sound like we've struggled worse than others or as an attempt to gain sympathy... Life is life and we all go through things. This was several years ago and while there is obviously still pain, we are not where we were then. God has been faithful, and healing is a steady progression. I'm also not writing this to say I think we should have handled things differently. These were special circumstances and the timing made it even harder. Of course the timing of these things will never feel appropriate. As normal as death is, the moment it rears it's head it can feel like everything is upside down and nothing will be the same again. It's an accurate assumption, I suppose.   

         I wanted to tell this story for several reasons. One, miscarriage is a subject that is often brushed under the rug. A mother's pregnancy doesn't seem to feel as valid, nor the baby in utero thought of fully as a life lost. And it's my opinion that these erring thoughts are often committed by the mother herself, just as much if not more than those around her. That baby was a life, and that precious life was lost. Momma, please don't invalidate these truths to yourself. The value of your baby's life should not be cheapened nor your experience of loss and grief somehow made to feel inferior. 

    Second, I hope to use this story as a platform to recognize the reality of pain and hardships in this life; another subject I think is often brushed over. I want us to be able to acknowledge the hurt and anguish that is underneath so many smiles. You look at this photo of my husband and I and it's nearly impossible to tell how much we were struggling in that moment. (My Dad knew at this point as well, also pictured.)
 

    As a Christian, my joy comes from God; this is a foundation throughout my walk in this life. However, that does not mean I always feel joy; it does not mean I am always happy; and it doesn't mean I should not recognize when life is a struggle. 

    If you are currently in a good place, just remember to reach out to those around you... Know that a smile does not necessarily mean everything is fine. And when the time comes for you yourself to grieve, allow this process to take place. It's also so important to be surrounded by those who will walk with you through your hardship, rather than feeling like you have to keep smiling and put on a façade. I cannot say enough how much the support of our family and friends got us through this incredibly difficult time in our lives. 

    I will wrap up with the recognition of this reality: God is good... yet we suffer.

    I am not in danger of a lack of faith in God if I am crying out to him in anguish or asking asking him why. Our Savior felt hurt and pain more deeply than any of us can imagine. He knows how it feels and he is there with us in our sorrow. 

    It may help us to reframe this reality of our suffering: We suffer... but God is good. 

 

We are all sojourners, wading through an immense depth of sin and depravity in his life. Emotionally, we are all at different places at different times, but we are traveling together. It is impossible to live this life and fail to recognize the tribulation it holds for every single individual. So let's stop trying to pretend it's not a reality. And as the sun disappears and we are left to suffer in the dark, lift your eyes past this present moment to gaze on the horizon and remember, "Weeping may last for a night, but joy comes in the morning." 

*Photo Credit: Jeana Barry, Clarissa Clark, and Jeremiah Hoppman

God of Sorrow

The emotions of God in regards to His people and towards those who have rejected Him. 

Part 2

This is the second in what will be a four part series discussing the emotions of the God of scripture.  The one we will look at here is: the God of Sorrow.

     Picture Christ in the garden of Gethsemane. He is burdened. He anticipates the anguish to come. So intense is this moment that His drops of sweat are as blood. Meanwhile, His disciples sleep; He is utterly alone. 

 God's sorrow over sin.

     When God created mankind, he created us in a world of perfection. Then Adam and Eve sinned against Him and this not only brought guilt onto them, but imputed sin to all mankind. Thus we do not live in a perfect world and we do not, nor cannot, live in perfection. Sin has tainted everything around us and infected our lives in many significant ways.

In Jeremiah 8 we see God voice His sorrow over the sin of His people through the words of the prophet:

"'For the hurt of the daughters of my people I am hurt. I am mourning; astonishment has taken hold of me. Is there no balm in Gilead, is there no physician there? Why then is there no recovery for the health of the daughter of my people? Oh, that my head were waters, and my eyes a fountain of tears, that I might weep day and night for the slain of the daughter of my people... They are not valiant for the truth on the earth. For they proceed from evil to evil, and they do not know Me', says the Lord."

     The sin of a lost world is a sad thing to witness indeed. Hearing about New York passing the bill that allows the death of a baby in the womb up until birth is devastating. There are many other issues in our culture today I could name in which the world with arrogance stomps upon God's law with a haughty boldness that lacks any fear of His judgment. It is brazen and it is ugly. How much more must God grieve over the sins of those who are His own? When His children go astray and rebel against His law, it is indeed a sad time to witness and even more heartbreaking when we take part. Listen to the anguish in His voice when Christ, speaking through the heart of His Father of those who were fighting Him and rejecting those who presented God's law to to their hearts, laments:

"O Jerusalem, Jerusalem, who kills the prophets and stones those sent to her, how often I have longed to gather your children together, as a hen gathers her chicks under her wings, but you were unwilling..."  

     Through God's sorrow when we turn astray, we can see His love for those He longs to call His own. In my last blog post I talked about the God of wrath. Looking in scripture we see God's desire to bring His people to Himself. His anger is often brought to fruition amidst the heartbreak of watching His people sin. His perfect nature does not allow room for sin. For this reason we see His anger and judgement; for this reason we see His incredible depth of sorrow.  

     God feels sorrow over our sin because when we violate his laws, we do so against Him directly.

     In Hosea 11 we see God speak through the prophet regarding His sorrow over the sins of His people, the Israelite's:

"When Israel was a child, I loved him, and out of Egypt I called My son. As they called them, so they went from them; they sacrificed to the Baals, and burned incense to carved images. I taught Ephraim to walk, taking them by their arms; but they did not know that I healed them. I drew them with gentle cords, with bands of love, and I was to them as those who take the yoke from their neck. I stooped and fed them... How can I hand you over, Israel?....My heart churns within Me; My sympathy is stirred..." 

     What truly loving parent does not grieve over their child who has gone astray? This is the heart of our God towards His children. When we sin, there is an important factor that must be realized. Not only does that sin hurt others around us and ourselves, that sin also hurts God. And to the unrepentant sinner, please understand the hurt you may feel as you struggle to do better and fail, does not go unseen by God. Through His heartache over your shortcomings, He desires to give you what you need to overcome the sin that plagues you. However, this can only come through your complete surrender to His will.

God's Sorrow When We Are Burdened 

     There is a second element of God's sorrow that I have seen showcased in scripture. This sorrow God exemplifies when we feel sorrow. Again, looking at the nature of God through His Son, Jesus Christ, we see the way in which our Savior cares when we feel sorrow. The most prominent example that comes to mind is when Jesus came to Mary and Martha as they were grieving over the death of their brother, Lazarus. John 11:35- "Jesus wept." Our Lord knew he was going to heal Lazarus, this was no mystery to Him. While His sorrow over the loss of his friend may have been the cause of His weeping in part, I believe He was primarily sharing tears with Mary and Martha and those grieving his loss for a reason. Being "A man of sorrows and acquainted with grief", He understood the depth of their sorrow over this significant loss. He too felt their sorrow and wept with them. 

God's Sorrow In Gethsemane 

     Starting out, I asked you to picture our Savior in the Garden, talking to His Father. Fervent in prayer to God He prays "Not my will but Thine be done". Earlier Christ had shared the last supper with His disciples. Later in the garden He spoke to them these heavy words: "My soul is exceeding sorrowful, even unto death: tarry ye here, and watch with me."  Then the disciples slept and Christ prayed. 

     This moment was the epitome of sorrow. God was there as a witness and  fellow-sufferer as Sorrow held His Son with it's icy grip. For this reality remained, while Christ was giving up His life, this meant God would be giving up His beloved Son to take on the sin of the world, thus giving us the ability to be saved from the sin that seeks to overcome.

     This was the ultimate submission of Christ to his Father and the ultimate sacrifice of God, through His Son. In seeing the heart of Christ through his sorrow, we can see God's heart towards His children. He was willing to give up His Son to save us. How much does a father love and cherish his son? How much more does God? So then, in His willingness to give us His most precious gift, of how much more worth are we to Him? Through the God of Sorrow, once again we see a showcase of God's love for His people. And, as the thought of the God of sorrow communing with His Son in the darkness of the garden penetrates our thoughts, let us bear in mind an important fact: "Weeping may last for the night, but joy comes in the morning..." 

God of Wrath

The Emotions of God in regards to His people and towards those who have rejected Him: 

Part One

This is the first in what will be a four-part series discussing the emotions of the God of scripture. Jesus Christ came to earth as a man and of course, was subject to human emotions and feelings. What I hope to look at however, are the emotions we see in scripture in regards to the God the Father. The first one we will look at is the God of Wrath. 

God of Wrath

Anger brought about by sin and immorality. 

Psalm 2:12- Kiss the Son, lest he be angry, and ye perish from the way, when his wrath is kindled but a little. Blessed are all they that put their trust in him. 

     The wrath of God is a commonly overlooked attribute. As human beings, subject to passion and sinful natures, we act improperly within our anger, and thus commit sin. God's anger is righteous; brought about by the sins of His people and the unconverted. It is also fully justified through His holiness. He does not sin in His anger nor does He sin when He carries out His wrath through judgment of the wicked. As a God who is perfectly righteous and just, He cannot accept sin. Light and dark cannot dwell with one another. It is because of His love that we see His intolerance for sin which is manifest by His fierce anger towards that which goes against His Word. He will not allow the wicked to go unpunished. He will not allow those living for Him to live in continuous sin; it is an impossibility. And it is driven by His holiness and love for His children. Let's take a look in scripture at some of the reason's for God's wrath.

Anger Towards the Unconverted; God's Wrath Brings Judgement

God's anger is provoked by the sins of the unconverted

Romans 1:18- For the wrath of God is revealed from heaven against all ungodliness and unrighteousness of men, who by their unrighteousness, suppress the truth. 

John 2:36- Whoever believes in the Son has eternal life; whoever does not obey the Son shall not see life, but the wrath of God remains on him.

Ezekiel 25:17- I will execute great vengeance on them with wrathful rebukes. Then they will know that I am the Lord, when I lay My vengeance upon them. 

Nahum 1:2-3a, 6-  The Lord is a jealous and avenging God; the Lord is avenging and wrathful; the Lord takes vengeance on his adversaries and keeps wrath for his enemies. The Lord is slow to anger and great in power, and the Lord will by no means clear the guilty... Who can stand before his indignation. Who can endure the heat of his anger? 

Who is this "adversary" of the Lord that is spoken of? It refers to the unrepentant sinner who has rejected Him. This passage also says the Lord is slow to anger. He does not "React" in anger as we do. He is patient in his anger but the unrighteous will not slip by unnoticed. 

Romans 2:5- But because of your hard and impenitent heart you are storing up wrath for yourself on the day of wrath when God's righteous judgement will be revealed. 

Revelation 9:15- From His mouth comes a sharp sword with which to strike down the nations, and he will rule them with a rod of iron. He will tread the winepress of the fury of the wrath of God the Almighty. 

Ezekiel 8:18- Therefore I will act in wrath. My eye will not spare, nor will I have pity. And though they cry in my ears with a loud voice, I will not hear them.

2 Thessalonians 1:8-9- In flaming fire, inflicting vengeance on those who do not know God and on those who do not obey the gospel of our Lord Jesus. They will suffer the punishment of eternal destruction, away from the presence of the Lord and from the glory of His might. 

     How then do we have hope? Our only savior from this wrath which would ultimately manifest in our damnation to hell at the judgment, is Christ's work on the Cross. This act of love fully satisfies the wrath of God. (Romans 3:21-25, Hebrews 2:17)

Anger Towards His People; God's Wrath Brings Repentance

• God's anger can be provoked by the sins of his people. (Jeremiah 8:29 and Hosea 11:8-9) 

     For those of us who are in Christ, we are saved from God's wrath at the judgment. We are however, still subject to His anger towards our sin. This indignation will not force us away from Him as before but instead He will chasten us for the committed sin, and thus ultimately bring us closer to Him. So we see that this does not mean that God is suddenly tolerant of our sin. Instead, his anger towards our sin brings about a heart in us that is, in turn, more sensitive to the things of God and more distasteful towards sin. Through this work, the Christian is being sanctified and becoming more like Christ. God is our Father, guiding and instructing His children. He will not allow those who are His to continue living in sin. 

Colossians 3:5-6- Put to death therefore what is earthly in you: sexual immorality, impurity, passion, evil desire, and covetousness, which is idolatry. On account of these the wrath of God is coming. 

Psalm 90:7- For we are brought to an end by your anger; by your wrath we are dismayed.

Numbers 11:1-2a- Now the people became like those who complain of adversity in the hearing of the Lord; and when the Lord heard it, His anger was kindled, and the fire of the Lord burned among them and consumed some of the outskirts of the camp.

Numbers 32:13- So the Lord's anger burned against Israel, and he made them wander in the wilderness forty years, until the entire generation of those who had done evil in the sight of the Lord were destroyed. 

     The wrath of God is an important attribute to understand. Were it not for God's hatred towards sin, his holiness would not exist because a righteous God cannot allow sin to go unpunished. If that righteousness did not exist, Christ is without perfection, and thus an incomplete sacrifice at Calvary. Without Christ to take our place at the cross, who would be able to stand before the throne and declare us sinless before the Father? God's wrath proves his righteousness. His righteousness is our only hope because our attempts at righteousness will always fall woefully short. Through the wrath of our God, we see his love manifest through the drawing of His people to Himself. 

     Another aspect of his wrath we must understand is how it correlates with God's love. Reading the scriptures above (And trust me, there are many others to be found) we can grasp a small understanding of how very much God hates sin. He also knows every sin we have committed and ever will. Yet He still loves us and through the sacrifice of His Son to satisfy his justice, He is willing to look at us and declare us righteous. This wrath does not bind us by the fury of an outraged God, but instead sets us free through His beautiful holiness and unfathomable love. 

1 Peter 1:15-21- ...As he who called you is holy, you also be holy in all your conduct... and if you call on the Father who judges impartially according to each one's deeds, conduct yourselves with fear throughout the time of your exile, knowing that you were ransomed from the futile way inherited from your forefathers... with the precious blood of Christ, like that of a lamb without blemish or spot. He was foreknown before the foundation of the world but was made manifest in the last times for the sake of you who through him are believers in God, who raised him from the dead and gave him glory, so that your faith and hope are in God. 

     This poem (Author unknown) sums up this subject well:

Sovereign ruler, Lord of all, prostrate at Thy feet I fall. Hear, O hear my ardent cry. Frown not lest I faint and die.

Depth of mercy can there be mercy still reserved for me? Can my God his wrath forebear, me the chief of sinners spare? 

I have long withstood his grace, long provoked him to his face. Would not harken to his call, grieved him by a thousand falls. 

Now incline me to repent, let me now my sins lament. Now my foul revolt deplore: weep, believe, and sin no more.

Justly might they kindled art cleanse this healing broken heart. Justly might thy kindled ire send me to eternal fire. 

But with Thee is mercy found. Balm to heal my every wound. Soothe, O soothe this troubled breast. Give the weary wand'r rest.

Metamorphosis

Joy Transformed to Sorrow

 ​     The air is crisp and the stores are bustling with activity. I am living a dream; married to the most special man I’ve ever met. We are so incredibly in love and overjoyed to spend our lives with one another. 

     God has provided in so many ways: our family and home, we adopted a puppy a few months ago and in addition, God has blessed us with a baby who is due in the Summer. My younger siblings have a Mom and my Dad a wife, after a difficult couple years. We are all so happy, it’s such a beautiful time. In the mountaintops and valleys of our life, this is definitely a mountaintop moment. 

     Yet I find myself at an unexpected place. I am missing Mom more than ever… The more blessings God grants, the tougher it is to think about the reality that I am unable to share them with Mom. 

     Getting into a relationship this summer would have put her over the moon with joy. She would have been elated for me, and loved on Andrew like a son, even more than she already had for so many years when he would hang out at the house with my brother. 

     She would have spent so many late nights with me hearing about all the details of my thoughts and feelings, and would have been full of wisdom for me to follow. It was everything she hoped for… to see her children happily married to a godly spouse who loved us more than any other, second only to their love for

​Christ. 

     But she isn’t here to share that joy. 

     The news of her first grandchild…. I can only imagine all the excitement she would have had when she was told. She would have been literally​ jumping up and down with exclamations of joy. She would have gushed about what an incredible gift from God babies are, and that "Yes, childbirth is hard, but oh, you forget all the pain immediately in that moment as you hold that baby in your arms for the first time, and you know you would do it all over again because it is so worth it...”

Sorrow Transformed to Joy

     But I can’t even really imagine what my life would look like now if Mom were still alive. Everything has changed so much and God has designed every detail to fall into place in such a way, to bring about the rich life I now live. I am truly so grateful to Him for it. Every day feels like a dream of which I hope never to wake. 

     But I do wish I had another chance to tell Mom I loved her; another moment to show her how much she did and still does mean to me. When those precious moments are gone, no matter how many times you said "I love you", it doesn’t feel like you said it enough. 

     These moments are indeed gone, but by God’s grace, the world keeps turning despite the times we get caught up in sorrow. I know I’ll see her in heaven, but right now that feels like an eternity away. 

     It’s crazy how I am filled with more joy this Christmas season than ever before, and yet because of these joys, sorrow runs deeper. 

     In my mind, love is undeniably worth the pain of loss; but God never promised it would be an easy path to walk. 

                    "

The Lord has done great things for us and we are filled with joy..... Those who sow with tears will reap with songs of joy.Those who go out weeping, carrying seed to sow, will return with songs of joy, carrying sheaves with them." Psalm 126:3, 5-6

Whirlwind

      Last July I had the joy of becoming Mrs. Andrew Holets. A journey with moments I would at times say was a whirlwind of activity, yet other moments felt like they took a lifetime to reach. With the understanding that this was only the beginning of our journey together, we pledged under God, our unending love for each other; "Till death do us part."

     Thinking back on the wedding day, I was so grateful how well everything turned out. Many brides have said they don't remember much from their special day. However, Andrew seemed to be the one who came up short in the memory department. It took him a full week to remember a few of the details. Such as his dancing nerves right before the ceremony, sharing tears with several others as the bouquet to honor my deceased Mom was brought out, eagerly waiting for me to walk down the aisle and feeling impatient when I wasn't the next one to walk out, "Is that another bridesmaid?!", saving me from a bee that was threatening to wreak havoc during a special song, and of course, feeling ready to take off honeymooning with his bride after about song number two. For myself however, I was pleasantly surprised to discover that I remembered most of the prep time, wedding ceremony, and reception. 

     The wedding day evening weather promised only a hint of cloud-cover and a gorgeous bright sky. Yet as we stood up on stage while the pastor gave his opening comments, I glanced into the north and saw a dark storm brooding in the distance. "Looking a little sketchy but I think we'll be fine." 

     I tried to take in every moment. To cherish this special time and make each part of the ceremony a heartfelt promise of my commitment to Andrew.  I sang a surprise song to him, we each said our vows, exchanged rings, shared in communion, and of course, sealed our commitment with a kiss. An upbeat tune began as we were announced: "Mr. and Mrs. Andrew Holets!" We then made our way down the aisle; slowly at my request, for I had discovered that my sparkly high heels and the fresh grass were not a pleasant combo. 

     Making our way back up for pictures it was clear... that storm was getting closer. As the cameras were clicking rapidly, the sun's rays were quickly masked by the dark and brooding storm. Being an aspiring photographer myself, I was perfectly happy with the cloud cover. After all, an overcast day is perfect for photos! 

     It was only when the photographer was just snapping the last of the photos that I felt it... A raindrop. I big fat NM raindrop. That was followed by another, then another, and another. I thought I'd state the obvious. "It's starting to rain." 

     "Yep" agreed one of the groomsman. "I felt it too." The wedding party was quickly hustled into the bridal chambers as the drops began to fall more steadily. Arriving in the room, we all stood there for a moment. I decided to sit down and give my feet a break from my heels. Andrew, realizing his legs were pretty tired as well, contentedly took his place by my side. 

     "Do you guys want some time alone?" asked one of the bridesmaids. At that moment, everyone in the wedding party seemed to unanimously agree this was a very needful thing, so Andrew and I quickly found ourselves the only individuals in the room. Amused, we looked at each other and smiled. I snuggled just a bit closer. Then the door burst open. 

     "Oh! I didn't realize you two were alone. Sorry about that." It was Andrews mother bringing us a couple guests who she knew we would appreciated saying hello to before they made their early departure. We were grateful. We chatted a bit,  thanked them for the well wishes, and bid them goodbye. The door shut behind them. We were alone again. 

     We sat back down on the couch. Where were we? Andrew slipped his arm around me as I moved closer to his side. We looked into each-others eyes. They quickly darted to the door as it burst open once again. 

     "Oops! Sorry, am I interrupting?",  my bridesmaid was quick to inquire. In her arms was her baby daughter. 

     "No problem, it's nothing anyway" we were quick to assure her. 

     "I've just got to nurse. I'll stay in the bathroom so I'm not interrupting. I'll just knock to let you know when I'm going to come back out." She gave a big grin that insinuated we would be doing more than just sitting beside one another. She left. Well, sort of. It was suddenly in the forefront of our minds that with only a thin wall and wooden door separating the bathroom from our view, she was basically sharing the room with us, privy to any noise or conversation. 

     So there we sat. We shared another smile. It was quiet for a few seconds. But this time I don't think either one of us were surprised when, once again, we were interrupted. A knock sounded and the door burst open. It was my matron of honor. She rushed in apologetically, quickly setting some items down in the room that had been soaked from the rain. The door which was currently ajar gave us a glimpse into the impending chaos outside. The rain beat down, creating a huge puddle by the door as our friends and wedding party struggled to get everything out of the way that would be ruined, if left in the downpour. Then the door shut. We were alone again... Minus nursing momma a wall away. 

     The door opened again. Andrew's mother was back with more guests. I felt like so much was happening beyond that door which everyone was making sure we didn't stress about. I appreciated it, but it was also nice to have another brief interaction with a couple of our guests, who were preparing to leave early, and thus scooped up by my new MIL so we would have the chance to say hello. 

     After they left we sat back down. Almost immediately following, the wedding party, having given us ample time to do whatever they thought we needed to be alone for, were ushered back into the room with us. 

     As the rain finally slowed and revealed a dimmed sunset, roughly forty minutes had passed and we were ready to eat. All of our guests had been ushered into the church (So thankful we had it available on the property) and were happily chatting and eating there. Due to the lost time from the rainstorm, any thought of dramatic introductions of the wedding party was cast aside, as we managed our way across the huge puddle in front of the door. Slipping through a side door, we made our way into the church. After greeting all our guests, we finally managed to sit in a quieter part of the room, and grab a bite to eat. 

     The rain had stopped by now as groomsmen, bridesmaids, bride, and groom made our way to the front of the bridal chamber. Guests took their places at the tables outside, and an only slightly wet wedding party were announced as we found our seats in the grass. Toasts were given and as the last of the sun set, we had our first dance. I then danced with my Dad, then Andrew, with his Mom.  

     The lively music played as the real dancing began and although that portion of the reception was brief, I enjoyed myself. There was something beautiful and refreshing about the raindrops that were left behind on the grass and dripping trees in the clear air, as everyone danced under the pergola, gently lit in the darkened night. 

     The sendoff, though a bit chaotic trying to remember everything before we left (Which included a valiant rush for a forgotten bag by my matron and maid of honor) was beautiful. The sparklers were going strong, the night air was clear, and I was pleasantly surprised that the groomsmen hadn't done anything too crazy to our vehicle. Yay! We were off, leaving behind our friends and adventures, for a week up in Taos. 

     Thinking back on the wedding brought to mind certain correlations with my life up to that day. I don't lead a particularly exciting life. At least, not in the sense that some may imagine. However, the events and circumstances I have previously encountered on a personal level, have created what feels like a full lifetime of experience. 

     My Christian walk had been a myriad of questions, study, and mistakes that led me to the place when I was finally ready to make this faith my own. Struggling through a very difficult church split was what ultimately pushed me to begin this quest. Some time later, my Mom passed away within less than a year of her cancer diagnosis. With the many joyful memories I have of her, the suffering she endured throughout the disease created many difficult, and unpleasant memories during that dark time. But I was then granted a newfound joy that was fresh and beautiful, as God brought Andrew into my life. 

     As we walk in a world of hurt and pain with a God who reaches beyond, it's easy to lose sight of His hand, through the storm. It's easy to think our moments of sorrow are too great to bear, so we bear them alone. We grind down and struggle through the trials without appreciating His vast sovereignty throughout. The omnipotent hand of God is something we will never understand. Yet a little insight can be reached, if we don't shut our eyes through it all.

     Our wedding day was full, bringing with it the joy of anticipation, and the fear of the unknown. It created an unexplained thrill, yet serious moments of sacred repose. Nerves were strung tight, yet joy and love were burning strong. Yes, the unwanted rain and storms had rolled across the once clear skies. But it didn't remain forever rushing with severity and chaos. Instead, it created a grand showcase of God's hand, lasting memories during, and a refreshing beauty after. Just like my life had felt, leading up to our special day. 

     Through everything that has happened in my life thus far, it has been a whirl of emotion. The sorrow runs deep, it's unexplainable. But the depth of joy through it all and the love I have been granted for my Savior helps me realize that if I could go back and change it all, I wouldn't.


  Life is full but God is good. When you trust Him, not only can you rest with joy after the hardship, but you can be granted peace during the storm. 

Tempests of clouds and rainfall is not the most desired experience to be had at a wedding... But having experienced it and looking back, I can boldly say I wouldn't change it for the world. 
      

Lydia's Miracle

     My Mom was dying.. I could see this plain as day.  I knew she couldn't have long in this world. Her body was being taken over by this deadly disease called cancer, and there was nothing my family or I could physically do to stop it. But we could pray.

     One thing was certain, my Mom, Lydia Hoppman, was prayer warrior. Years of her Christian walk contained hours upon hours of prayer for those around her. Heartfelt, desperate, genuine prayers. Crying out to God on behalf of those He put on her heart, filling notebook upon notebook of her spirit to the Lord, as a David in these moments in time, she pleaded, repented, glorified, and honored her Yahweh-God.

     But this time, the prayer warrior needed prayer. She needed a miracle. Desperately, she needed one. Her faith was showcased in a beautiful way, as my Mom pleaded as a child to her Father, requesting  this death sentence to be lifted. She knew, without a doubt, that God could work a miracle of complete healing in her broken body, if He so desired. Multiple times in her past God had spared her life, saving her from eternity in Hell. She was well aware of the power worked in her and through her when the God of Heaven reached down and pulled her out of her hopeless, rebellious state, to save her sinful soul. That was an act of God. That was a miracle of which to marvel.

     So to me it was no surprise to hear her asking God for another miracle: Total and complete healing. I knew God could do it. I hoped beyond all hope He would. Yet I held myself in check because I was afraid to be taken off guard. In my eyes, knowledge gave me time to prepare emotionally. If I could learn to handle the worst case scenario in my mind, surely I would be okay. Of course, I really wanted to believe that my Mom would be healed. I think I mostly did try to have faith in it for her sake. But somehow, I couldn't make myself believe that healing was going to happen in this lifetime.

     And as my Mother's body weakened, breathing got to be more difficult, her arm continued swelling with lymphodema, and her neck grew harder and discolored, I couldn't help but stare at what was clearly in front of me and face facts: Mom wasn't' getting better. Mom was dying.


     Yet her fervor grew. Her faith increased. Little moments of fear were immediately overcome with delight in her Savior. A tiny doubt in her heart was quickly defeated by her childlike trust in His plan. She knew he was going to do this miracle. Surely this is why He has her suffering. Surely this is the best way to glorify His name. Surely, this is what God was going to do. And it was going to be awesome.

     I loved to see her have joy in her hope, but I hated it at the same time. Reality is what it is. Hoping in what to me seemed to be a pipe dream was a cruel deception to allow anyone to believe. I would never try to paint a perfect picture of my world to disguise a bitter corruption beneath. I wanted my Mom out of pain. But that's about as far as I dare let myself hope.

      I remember one of the times she had difficulty breathing and she had to be taken to the ER. Glancing around nervously her gaze fell on me as she spoke, an unusual hint of fear in her voice. "Kelsey, I'm not getting better...". Even so, she trusted God knowing he was in complete control, no matter what. I trusted God too, but what did that mean coming from me, when my Mom was the one who was sick? She was the one living in that disease-filled body. She was the one who was forced to endure so many hours of pain.

     Then it finally happened. Early Monday morning on September 29, 2014, Mom passed into the arms of her Savior.

     And the revelation of the miracles Mom received was staggering.

     In her past, she had received a miracle of healing from sin. God had saved her and brought her to a place where she was living a life that was probably unrecognizable to those knew her before Christ. Going from a steady path of destruction to a 180 turn to God, this miracle was hard to deny. (Please ask me about it if you'd like to know her testimony)

     Then, in September 1999, her life produced another miracle. Twins. As a forty one years old with signs of Perimenopause, this miracle was almost impossible to deny. She would later give birth to two others after that, Josiah Ezra and Keturah Abby.

     By the beginning of 2014, she had discovered that she had breast cancer. She was gone before the end of September that same year. This brought with it her last miracle. A miracle of healing. It may not have been on this earth, but I know without a doubt that she now lives in joy before her Savior as a new creation, without sorrow or pain. And nothing in this world could ever bring greater comfort and peace.

     Her miracle was everything God had done to bring her to himself. Her miracle was the time after time God spared her life, preventing her from an eternity without Him. Her miracle was the unfathomable grace that was shown to someone lost in darkness and rebellion.

     She wanted a miracle of healing. It was a prayer God answered in more ways than one. Taking her to be with Him in heaven granted her complete healing. God had worked miracles not just once in her life, but over and over again. Standing above and beyond time and saving her soul from death in Hell, he brought her to life that He might be glorified in the death of her body. This miracle is unequivocal.

     Furthermore, Lydia Hoppman died on the 29th of September... the twins 15th birthday. Her death took place on the day God granted her this miracle, the birth of twins. Such a perfect reminder of His control over life and death.

     Mom was praying that God would showcase his glory through her healing... He did and it was in more ways than she could have ever anticipated. And I believe He will continue to do so for the rest of my life, and beyond.

     The morning she died revealed miracles that were amazing. They were undeniable. That night the sun lowered itself below the horizon as it always did, and the next morning it opened up again in bright glorious brilliance. As sure as I could trust it would continue to do so every day of my life, there were no questions or doubt in my mind of God's sovereignty and loving hand.

     Requests made by the tender pleading of His trusting child, brought the hand of an omnipotent God into a life who Satan had long since deemed his own. Omnipresent, transcending time, her Father God reached through the space of her existence and intervened. Through His sovereignty and with the knowledge of her future prayer, He guided every moment and detail, and granted Lydia her prayer.

     That, my friend, is a legacy that leaves evidence of the power of God which will continue beyond the end of time. It is testimony of His grace that reaches out to the far ends of the earth. Some could even say... It's a miracle.

"The Lord gives and the Lord takes away. May the name of the Lord be praised." 

El Shaddai

     Why is it we do not courageously fight against the attacks of the enemy? Is this not God's command? Why is it we cower in shrinking submission when challenged by the world and it's devices of wickedness?

The battle of good versus evil is a reality every Christian must be willing to face and ready to overcome. What stops us: We don't trust God. This is the bitter truth of the matter.

 But we must, we MUST trust Him. With everything, proclaiming it as our battle cry, "We trust." 

"God our Rock" alludes to strength and refuge. The name of our Lord, "El Shaddai" means literally, "God Almighty". At His Name and with the reality of the truth it carries, may the knees of our every enemy tremble. 

May we trust... even when we think our way is the better plan. 
Trust... Even when our confidence outlasts all else. 
Trust... Even at the times we are at our weakest.
Trust... Even when the truth is too scary to face on our own. 
Trust... as our proclamation of surrender. 

In order to win the battle, we must give all and be ready to lose all for the One who is our Savior. 

To trust means we must surrender if we want to win the battle. 

To trust means we do not fight alone. 

Trusting in God's strength, we must lay all at His feet. 

The giving up of ourselves to Him wholly, to act in surrender, to rest in faith, to know it is not by our might that we win the battle... This is to trust. 

Psalm 37:40   And the Lord helps them and delivers them; He delivers them from the wicked and saves them, because they trust and take refuge in Him.

Isaiah 50:7     Because the Sovereign Lord helps me, I will not be disgraced.  Therefore have I set my face like flint, and I know I will not be put to shame.

Heavens Eyes

     The people of Israel were in exile. Rejecting the word of the Lord for their own pleasures and idols had separated them from the One who had done so much to free them from their bondage in Egypt.

     As a God of holy perfection, Israel's "Jehovah Jireh", the Lord who provides, was unable to commune with His people, so cankered were they by sin and moral corruption. Justice and compassion were forged together as a paralyzing example of what happens to those who defy the living God who rules in righteousness over His people, yet is filled with a passionate love no man could ever understand.

     Justice had come to Israel; justice was deserved. But God spoke: and he spoke to them with love. Desiring their sanctification through him as he gathered them from their enemies "That they will know that I am the LORD their God because I made them go into exile among the nations, and then gathered them again to their own land, and I will leave none of them there any longer..." (Ezekiel 39:28), the Lord spoke through the prophet Ezekiel to the people of Israel:

     "...I sought for a man among them that should make up the hedge and stand in the gap before me for the land, that I should not destroy it: but I found none."  (Ezk. 22:30)

     Through all that God had done for them, his deliverance, his compassion, his love, Israel chose to reject him. The judgment they were experiencing was justly deserved. And yet... Yahweh looked for one; one who would stand in the gap, intercede for the people, and desire to follow after righteousness at a time faced with vile wickedness and immense compromise among his people. For this one, the nation of Israel may have been spared. But he found none.

     We face a dilemma today in our country. We the church, those who claim to follow Christ, are rejecting our God for idols made to feed our desires of self gratification. We serve the god of media, of social status, of achievement. We live either to serve the god of our bodies or use our bodies as a god to serve us. Our focus is inward and our goals are often cheap and vapid.

     Yet... God looks for one. One person to stand in the gap. One person to rise up in prayer as a David against the Goliath of our culture. One person who will not conform. One who will lay down their pride in a humble cry, Lord here am I, send me".

     Our God is holy. This means he is perfect and righteous. It's because of his love and justice that we must someday answer to our actions. Yet heavens eyes seek that one.

     Are you willing to make the sacrifice? Will you stand in the gap? As a bond-servant of our Savior will you allow yourself to be used by him no matter what the costs? Even when you are rejected by those you love? Even when you are spit on as the fool while all the world looks on and laughs?

     Don't let this culture define who you are or the gods you serve. When the eyes of heaven gaze down in the sludge and grime of our sinful ways, may we stand with unwavering resolve against the compromise of the world around us. May we be surrounded by the convicting words of the gospel presented through a humility that displays, in glorious splendor, the name of our awesome God.

Heavens Eyes are searching. The world's eyes are watching.... Who is ready to rise up for all to see?