Joy Transformed to Sorrow
The air is crisp and the stores are bustling with activity. I am living a dream; married to the most special man I’ve ever met. We are so incredibly in love and overjoyed to spend our lives with one another.
God has provided in so many ways: our family and home, we adopted a puppy a few months ago and in addition, God has blessed us with a baby who is due in the Summer. My younger siblings have a Mom and my Dad a wife, after a difficult couple years. We are all so happy, it’s such a beautiful time. In the mountaintops and valleys of our life, this is definitely a mountaintop moment.
Yet I find myself at an unexpected place. I am missing Mom more than ever… The more blessings God grants, the tougher it is to think about the reality that I am unable to share them with Mom.
Getting into a relationship this summer would have put her over the moon with joy. She would have been elated for me, and loved on Andrew like a son, even more than she already had for so many years when he would hang out at the house with my brother.
She would have spent so many late nights with me hearing about all the details of my thoughts and feelings, and would have been full of wisdom for me to follow. It was everything she hoped for… to see her children happily married to a godly spouse who loved us more than any other, second only to their love for
But she isn’t here to share that joy.
The news of her first grandchild…. I can only imagine all the excitement she would have had when she was told. She would have been literally jumping up and down with exclamations of joy. She would have gushed about what an incredible gift from God babies are, and that "Yes, childbirth is hard, but oh, you forget all the pain immediately in that moment as you hold that baby in your arms for the first time, and you know you would do it all over again because it is so worth it...”
But I can’t even really imagine what my life would look like now if Mom were still alive. Everything has changed so much and God has designed every detail to fall into place in such a way, to bring about the rich life I now live. I am truly so grateful to Him for it. Every day feels like a dream of which I hope never to wake.
But I do wish I had another chance to tell Mom I loved her; another moment to show her how much she did and still does mean to me. When those precious moments are gone, no matter how many times you said "I love you", it doesn’t feel like you said it enough.
These moments are indeed gone, but by God’s grace, the world keeps turning despite the times we get caught up in sorrow. I know I’ll see her in heaven, but right now that feels like an eternity away.
It’s crazy how I am filled with more joy this Christmas season than ever before, and yet because of these joys, sorrow runs deeper.
In my mind, love is undeniably worth the pain of loss; but God never promised it would be an easy path to walk.
"The has done great things for us and we are filled with joy..... Those who sow with tears will reap with songs of joy.Those who go out weeping, carrying seed to sow, will return with songs of joy, carrying sheaves with them." Psalm 126:3, 5-6